Realities

At the moment, everyone seems to be lamenting the end of summer. Friends are having difficulty adjusting to the change of season, the change of attitude, even the change of fashion. I, myself have been in a bit of a down mood lately. I have not even felt like taking photos. There is no one reason for this malaise, other than the usual questions and possible answers about life. I should be taking more photos. I should be painting more. I should be learning and practicing my french, but the drive is missing. I know I am not alone in this as I have been e-mailed by friends often expressing the same mood. Today was a particularly off day. I finally sat down to coffee with a person who knows me intimately and expressed my mood. They listened carefully and dispensed advice...the most obvious advice. Sometimes the most obvious is not what one wants to hear, but it is most often the best to be heard. Part of the problems I am having is thinking long term to a life here. I came here seeking a change in my life and decided to stay because what I found was so incredible. What I guess I did not manage to clearly think about are the challenges. Things like learning another language, another culture and sharing a life with someone who's life is quite full, seem great in films and t.v. sitcoms, but in real life they are not so easy. In terms of learning a language, I am a terrible student and I always hated school. Culture, yes, I have always been interested in different cultures, but I find sometimes when you are in the middle of the human soup, which is Central Paris, where rude behavior from all the world come together...I think sometimes I prefer my anthropology in book form. Interacting with people is not easy for a shy person, which I am. In the U.S. I could disguise this fact with what I call 'Indirect Conversation', which I have mastered. It is the ability to talk about anything and everything, without really saying anything, but full filling the requirement of politesse. It is what we all do at parties, gallery openings, and family gatherings. So, here I am after one year and the challenges still exist, but I feel that they are truly worth it in the end. It all comes down to the realities one admits to. I can learn french, but speaking it fluently depends on the time and patience I have with myself. And the obvious point is, learning french helps me understand the culture and the people that have become a part of my daily life. It will also benefit me in my french version of 'Indirect Conversation'. I have to recommit myself.

This afternoon while walking, I was struck by the feeling that this city really is special. Walking in areas I have walked time and time again I still found something new. A couple of times I wished I had carried my camera with me. At these moments I slowly began to look forward to new possibilities. There are new ideas to exercise and new places to explore. I have one more trip to make and it happens to be to New York, another city that I love. After this trip, the Summer is truly over for me and I will get back to a regular schedule of blogging, studying french, dinners with friends and taking photos. Looking out now, as a light rain begins to fall, I am reminded that Paris is beginning to take on it's most romantic mood. The light will shorten and change, the leaves will fall and dusk will deepen to a beautiful blue. It is the time when a kiss on a bridge is a little more meaningful, because the cold air forces two people closer. It is the time I always associated with Paris, dark, mysterious and full of secrets.

Suddenly last summer is a distant memory.